


No Guts, No Glory

by vitaminanime



Series: The Reunion Cycle [1]
Category: Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Mystic Manor (Attraction)
Genre: 69 (Sex Position), Disembowelment, F/M, Knives, Lost Love, Memories, Mirrors, Needles, Nurse!Axel, Organs, Pillow Fights, Revenge, Surgery, Temple, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 16:24:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17267432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vitaminanime/pseuds/vitaminanime
Summary: After Xaldin and Leon engage in a bitter fight, Leon disembowels Xaldin and Larxene puts him back together without putting him under. Meanwhile, Xion and Roxas enlist the help of Lord Henry Mystic and Albert the Monkey to show Larxene the kind of person she really is.





	1. Blood, Guts, Glory, and Lack Thereof

"You will never have my Heartless or my Nobody!" Leon's gunblade clashed against Xaldin's halberds.

 

"I'm surprised you think that's easy for you to say, especially when your heart is clouded by darkness and palpable despair." Xaldin manipulated the whirlwinds.

 

"Who are you to trouble my day and question my strength? You think you're so brave, but you dont know what it means to lose it all. I attained it all. And then i lost it all." Said Leon. "Until Maleficent had the gall to smash down the light and dare Balamb. I lost all my comrades, I lost my beautiful wife and child. Rinoa's smile could light up a whole town.And now she's gone. They're gone. The light source's all wasted and gone. But I'm still here."

 

"Amazing. You only think you're still here." Said Xaldin as he summoned a whirlwind.

 

Leon's long brown hair whipped against his scarred face. "I don't know what business you want with Aerith and Yuffie, but you can never blacken, stop, or break our hearts. Me especially. You will never have my heartless or my nobody. My world is gone and my loved ones are gone. In a world far away, we may meet again, but as long as I remember all that I love and hold dear, I will never be alone in a dark world."

Gunblade clashed against Lindworm.

"I can't remember my name. I can't remember why my fortitude failed me. But as long as I have the light of their memories in my heart, my soul, and my memories, I will march on all night searching for them, until day comes again."

 

"Don't be so naïve." Said Xaldin, spinning three of his halberds. "Whatever this is you call love makes you weak."

 

"Me? Weak? You got your ass handed to you by Princess Belle." Leon backflipped and brandished his gunblade.

 

Xaldin's lances whirled in an ellipse around them. "I still don't let petty passions blind my eyes and weave threads around my psyche."

 

"As if you're one to speak. "When nightfall crept into my world and changed us all, I felt the pain of a lifetime lost in a single day. I may look like I mourn in the dark, but I don't run and hide from the beasts within me or assault me. We might now dwell in shades of twilight, but knowing there's stars that glow out there...let's just say that trying to turn me into a nobody is a lost cause. And yet you persist." He held out his gunblade to the side and it clashed against the lances.

 

"I think you misunderstand. Give up those notions. If I'm not complete, why should you be?" Said Xaldin. 

 

"Running back through the light scattering zone, there's a burning in my heart." Scowled Leon. "My comrades and I may meet again in a world far away, but no matter who I have as an ally, as long as they're gone, I'm lost in the darkness, so far away from home." 

 

"Your words are subtle but lack substance." growled Xaldin. "Insanity of the highest order, a burning in your heart. Hmph."

 

"I'll find a way to be reunited with my beloved. And yet you insist that I'm the one who's insane. I've had enough of you and your hunting me down. Then when I come after you you run and hide. It's cowardice. You're craven.  You don't need to state the obvious. You can't miss what you don't have. Only I'm not talking about a heart here. I'm talking about guts. No guts no glory!" Said Leon as he shoved his gunblade into Xaldin's abdomen, slicing upwards, groin to sternum. The gunblade made a sickening scree as it sliced through his flesh.   Xaldin cried out in agony as he fell to his knees and then to his side, blood pooling and innards spilling out over the snow and soil.   

"So you do have guts. Lot of good they'll do you on the soil!" Taunted Leon as he walked away.

 

"What happened?" Exclaimed Axel upon finding Xaldin in the state he was in. "Leon...happened" he choked as Axel then made a makeshift stretcher out of his coat and some branches.

 

When they returned, Axel desperately looked all around. "We kind of sort of need help" he called, then Larxene appeared before them and grinned. "I'm great at fixing things" she said as she snapped her glove.

 

She and Axel transported him to a room downstairs with an operating table in it. Larxene then chained Xaldin's hands, feet, and head to the table.

 

"Axel, get me a tub of warm soapy water and bucket of cool clear water" said Larxene as she was getting the area ready. "And some towels and kleenexes" no sooner said than done, Axel was back with the water and Larxene started washing the dirt and gravel off of Xaldin's guts.

 

"I'm also going to need a kitchen knife, an X-acto knife, a candle, some kerosene, some needles and a large spool of thread, a tweezers, an anatomy textbook, a tankard of Jägermeister spiked with laudanum..."   

 

 "Merciful opioids..." Murmured Xaldin.  

 

               "The Jäger is for me, dumbass" interjected Larxene. "...a fish hook, some cheesecloth, a pincushion, an anatomy textbook, and a cavalry broadsword of the largest size"

 

Axel scrambled to get all the necessary instruments together. He put on a nurses' hat while he was at it, which he found in the anatomy textbook.

 

Once Axel returned, Larxene downed the jäger and began to operate. She opened the anatomy textbook to a diagram of the abdominal cavity and began to stitch Xaldin's innards back together where they'd been sliced open by the gunblade.

 

"Do you even know what you're doing!?!" Shreeked Xaldin as she stitched away.

 

"You do not talk to the doctor while she is operating." Said Larxene as she coated the needle with candle wax and continued to stitch. "Axel! Get me some cotton balls!"

 

Axel returned with the cotton balls. "Make it stop." he groaned to himself.

 

Larxene soaked a cotton ball in kerosene and applied it to the lacerations.

 

Xaldin howled. "WHAT IS THAT FOR!!?"

 

"You don't want to catch your death of gangrene, do you? Kerosene is an excellent sterilizer." Larxene giggled and continued to stitch. She then referred to the anatomy textbook.

 

"Axel! Hold up this textbook!" The textbook weighed about fifty pounds. She continued to refer to the diagram while putting Xaldin's organs back in their approximate original places.

 

"You know, maybe while I'm in here I'll take out your kidneys and replace them with brains." Said Larxene.

 

"NOOOOOO!" Screamed Xaldin.

 

"Just kidding. Aside from my own, there aren't any brains to be found around for miles." Said Larxene.

 

"Now for the fun part. The cauterization. Axel! Give me the blowtorch." Axel handed her the blowtorch.

"Axel, I need you to hold the sides of his abdominal walls down so I can cauterize them before I stitch them closed." Axel held the sides of Xaldin's abdominal wall down as Larxene cauterized them with the blowtorch. Axel felt the slippery, hot innards with his fingers and wished he were anywhere else while Larxene giggled like a coquettish schoolgirl and Xaldin screamed his lungs out.

 

"All done. Axel, get me a flashlight. I need you to hold it in place while I sew you up. Why must all good things come to an end?"

 

Axel returned with the flashlight. Larxene had already waxed and threaded a needle. "Axel! Hold up that flashlight! Higher! To the side!!"  It was as if she had intentionally made Axel position his arm in a way that it would especially ache.

 

Larxene spit on the needle and began to sew. The smell of blood and organs was getting to Axel. He sniffed inside his coat. He was sweating profusely. If my own BO is like an ocean breeze, then i definitely i know i'm in a shaughterhouse. Thought Axel.

 

Larxene continued to sew Xaldin's abdominal walls back together while Axel held the flashlight up, his arm muscles and sinews burning.

 

"Is there nothing you could give me that would knock me out!" Screamed Xaldin.

 

"That's my question." Groaned Axel.

 

Larxene hummed away and bit her tongue while she made the last final stitches. Axel's arm shook. Larxene then brushed the incision site with more kerosene and Xaldin yelped out in pain.

 

Saïx entered.

 

"What's all the racket about! Xaldin! Quit your moaning and groaning! Axel! Take off that stupid hat and get back to work! I'm trying to study!"

 

And then, when Saïx saw what had gone on, the bucket of blood, the tub of blood, all the bloody knives and saws and needles, the bloody handprints on the anatomy textbook, and Xaldin chained to the table with the long gash down the middle of his abdomen, Saïx threw up in Axel's nurse's cap. 


	2. Stinking Charnel House

Saïx finished throwing up in Axel's nurse's cap and shoved it back on Axel's head. Vomit oozed between the spikes in his hair and into one of his eyes. The acid burned his eye. Axel then threw up near the foot of the operating table and immediately afterwards he ran away.

 

He rinsed out his eye and then his hair with a shower head, washing his hair with industrial-industrial-grade garage floor detergent but the stench would not leave. He combed the chunks of partially digested something-or-something-or-other out of his hair. He was unsure what Saïx's last meal had been, but frankly he did not want to know.

 

His hair was no longer in spikes and his eye still burned. He looked through the medicine cabinet. A bottle of Codeine cough syrup that had been prescribed to Demyx, a container of Vicodin that had been prescribed to Xigbar, some vaseline, some aspirin, some foot powder, a stick of deodorant, and a pink glass bottle of perfume that he had seen Xion using.

 

He sprayed Xion's perfume through his hair and snorted it up his nostrils. The flowery scent was not enough to mask the stench of vomit that still lingered in his hair and the stench of blood and organs still hung in his nostrils. He had used half the bottle when he put it away. He hoped Xion wouldn't mind him mooching off her perfume.

 

Xaldin lay on the table, surgical incisions burning in agony, and the entire room stinking of vomit, dried blood, burned flesh, bleach, industrial grade soap, melted paraffin, and somewhere within the cacophony of smells, he detected a whiff of anise.

 

The Jägermeister spiked with laudanum that Larxene had downed right before she began the surgery! Maybe there was some wall slide left. Xaldin slid his arm out from one of the zip ties that held him onto the table and reached for the tankard.he reached, fingers just barely touching the tankard, and slid it closer to him.

 

But he slid it too far and the tankard knocked over, the wall slides of the Jäger spiked with laudanum spilling off the desk and onto the floor.

 

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Screamed Xaldin.

 

Just then Zexion came in. Demyx followed soon after, wearing a clothespin on his nose. 

"What happened here?" Said Zexion, holding his nose.

"Leon gutted me like a fish, curse his name, and then those pesky kids Larxene and Axel chained me to this table and sewed me back together without putting me under and then left me here in this stinking charnel house!" Growled Xaldin.

 

"Well we're in luck." Said Zexion, producing a large syringe. "I found it in an insane asylum in another world. Reportedly knocks you right out." He read the label. "Inject into large muscle of patient for immediate sedation. Property of Miskatonic Sanitarium, 1313 River Street, Arkham, Massachusetts 01914."

 

"All this time I was wondering if Saïx had gotten sick from the chopped liver and casu marzu casserole I made for him, now I know the actual reason! Whined Demyx. He began to scurry off.

 

"Come back here now! And bring me a scissors " called Zexion.

 

Zexion stepped over the vomit, cut the ties that bound Xaldin to the operating table and then touched and tasted the spilled Jägermeister. 

He cringed at the bitter taste. "And this wasn't enough to knock you out? There's enough laudanum in here to tranquilize an elephant."

 

"It wasn't mine...it was Larxene's" choked Xaldin.

 

"I should have known. Larxene likes to drink Jägermeister spiked with laudanum not because it gets her high but just because she likes the taste."

 

"I thought you said you'd help me!" Growled Xaldin.

 

"Oh right" Zexion produced the syringe again. "I also have some sutures made from a metal called vibranium that I got in another world, that may help too."

 

"ENOUGH ALREADY!" Roared Xaldin.

 

"Oh right" Zexion produced the syringe again.

 

He flipped the needle up and flicked on the barrel. "Not like you deserve it, but if it will shut you up then it's yours." He flicked the syringe twice.

 

"Oh boy! That needle is huge! Does this means we get to flip him over and see his buttocks?" Said Demyx eagerly. 

"You suggest that one more time and I shove this syringe up your ass, stuff you in the freezer, and make you a Demyx-sicle." Snapped Zexion as he thrust the needle into Xaldin's right shoulder, injected half the syringe, then shoved the syringe into his left shoulder, injecting the rest of the contents of the syringe.

 

Xaldin relaxed and his eyes twitched  and closed and he went into a deep sleep.

 

Zexion then produced a badly battered tube from one of his pockets on it. It was badly cracked and twisted and read "Weapon X". Perhaps. It could have been Icy Hot for all anyone knew.

"Don't ask what world I got it in." Said Zexion as he squirted some of the ointment out the tube and spread it down the length of the incision on Xaldin's abdomen.

 

Zexion and Demyx walked out of the room.

"He should be fine within a couple of days. Just don't be surprised if he starts calling people "bub" and "punk." Grumbled Zexion. "And that includes you, Demyx."

 

Two days later, Zexion was sitting in the hallway, reading one of his tomes of eldritch lore.

 

"Out of my way, bub." Said Xaldin as he shoved Zexion to the side of the hall. 

 

Zexion whacked himself on the head with his book.Tears welled in Zexion's  eyes. "Why didn't' I just use the vibranium sutures!?"


	3. let it rest on men like him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leon recounts the demons of his past and why love does not in fact make you weak. Aerith and Yuffie help Leon prepare for what lies ahead.

Leon walked into their room at the inn in Traverse Town. "How did it go?" Inquired Aerith. "I encountered Xaldin. He thinks he's so brave and strong, but the fact of the matter is he's neither. Love makes you weak." Leon sat down on one of the beds. "Love makes you weak my ass!" Growled Leon. "If I didn't love Rinoa and our child, I would have given up long ago." Leon shifted a bit. "I ended up slitting him open groin to sternum. No guts no glory."

 

"I was wondering why your gunblade was encrusted with dried blood." Yuffie was scraping off the flakes of dried blood that encrusted his gunblade and they fluttered onto the carpet.

 

"Those have Xaldin guts on them" grumbled Leon.

 

Yuffie squealed and recoiled.

 

"He's definitely set in his ways, but you have no idea how angry it makes me to hear that love makes you weak. I love Rinoa and our child more than I ever thought was possible. Maybe I'm playing the fool, but I think they're out there somewhere. It's that glimmer of hope that makes me push forward. I love them with all my heart. That makes me keep going. To keep on going, I must be strong. I will search for the light."

 

"But in order to keep going, shouldn't you be prepared?" Said Aerith.

 

"Prepared for what?" Said Leon.

 

"Prepared for if the Organization were to get even with you?" Said Aerith.

 

"Yes. But I can't think how." Said Leon.

 

"I have JUST the cunning plan" chirped Yuffie.

 

"Come with me" she took Leon by the forearm and over to the walk-in closet.

 

Inside the closet it was stacked with armor and weapons of every sort.

 

"I know you have sticky fingers, but how did you get ahold of all these?" Said Leon.

 

"Remember when we were in that dungeon? The one...I think it was called Thangorodrim or something like that...one of the servants took me to the room where they kept all the armor and weapons that were going to be melted down and I took what I could carry." Yuffie tossed aside knives and swords, Leon dodging them. "Aha!" Chirped Yuffie. She then held up a mythril cuirass, shining a bright, gleaming silver. Yuffie handed it to Leon. It was incredibly lightweight and the ringmail was supple in his fingers.

 

"Try it on." Implored Yuffie with puppy dog eyes.

 

Leon took off his jacket and set in on a shelf. He then began to take off his shirt.

 

"Close your eyes!" Snapped Leon. "It's bad enough you've watched me pee"

 

Yuffie covered her eyes, but still made shure she could see him.

 

Leon pulled the mithril cuirass over his head and put his shirt and jacket back on over them.

 

Perfect! Squealed Yuffie. "Aerith! Come look!"

 

Aerith stood on the threshold of the closet. "Come look at what?" Said Aerith.

 

"See? You can't even see the mithril cuirass underneath." Said Yuffie. "I am a genius."

 

"Don't flatter yourself." Said Leon. "Its mettle has not been tested"

 

"But now you're safe inside and out! You're brave, you're strong, you've got a big heart, lots of guts, a nice eight-pack..."

 

"Yuffie! You didn't see me when I was changing!?" Gasped Leon.

 

"But now I know EVEN MORE reasons Rinoa was so lucky to have you." Chirped Yuffie.

 

Leon grumbled. "Yuffie, You have a true gift. The sickest of minds."

 

"And that is a bad thing why?" Said Yuffie as Leon sat down on Aerith and Yuffie's bed.

 

As an unwritten rule, Leon had one of the two beds in their suite to himself and Aerith and Yuffie shared a bed. It was the least they could do to avoid temptation, but Leon lay back on their bed with a heavy heart.

 

"I don't care what anyone says. Love does not make you weak. Emotions do not make you weak. It's not the ooey gooey blobby parts of love that make love worthwhile, it's when you make sacrifices for those you love, it's putting others before yourself. Bliss and beauty would be nothing without snarling quarrels and disagreements. It makes you more than you are."

 

"Xaldin must have really gotten to you." Said Aerith.

 

"I was once on a seam with Xaldin. I thought love was for wusses. And then I met Rinoa. And we went on quests together...and I grew and changed so much over time...and then we got married...I'll never forget the day my child was born. I was frightened, and so was Rinoa, but when the midwife came out and told me I could see the baby, it seemed so surreal, and then I saw the baby, and Rinoa let me hold the baby...and that sense of irrevocable attachment, that devotion, that adoration, the inconceivable passion for another person that I helped create...it coursed through every vein."

 

"Are you crying, Leon.?" Said Aerith.

 

"Sometimes I wonder if they're out there, wondering if I'm out there."

 

"Darkness is potent. And my world and all therein was swallowed by it. Do you think Rinoa would forget me?"

 

"Rinoa would never forget you." Said Aerith.

 

"And even if they're out there somewhere, do you think our child would remember me? He was only three at the time." Said Leon.

 

"No kid of yours would ever forget you." Said Yuffie cheerfully.

Leon sat up. "I'm going to go get lunch." He said even though it was well past 6.

 

 Leon was just paying for their order at the diner when he heard a kid screaming that she wanted to put another munny in the jukebox.

 

"If it will make her happy, allow her to." Said Leon firmly.

 

"I won't let you put another munny in the jukebox because you haven't been grateful." Said the girl's guardian.

 

"I'm not telling you how to raise your kids." Said Leon, although he was never one to indulge his own son. "But getting mad at her isn't going to solve anything. I should know. I'm a dad."

 

"Were a dad." Corrected the employee.

 

"Once a dad, always a dad." Grumbled Leon as he took the order and scurried off.

 

Meanwhile, Aerith and Yuffie were setting the table.

 

"The whole ordeal with Xaldin has really been getting to Leon." Said Yuffie. "Do you think he can keep the darkness from winning him over?"

 

Aerith's voice was grave. "If there be any glory in the search for the light, let it rest on men like him."

 

A few days later, Leon was walking down the hall of a smoky, dimly lit saloon. He entered the main quarter and there he saw Xaldin sitting at a table with Luxord, Vexen, and Xigbar, as if nothing had ever happened.

Xaldin got up from the table and went down the hall where he practically intersected Leon.

 

..."Didn't I unseam you nave to chops?" Said Leon.

"I got better" said Xaldin. Just then, he made a fist and three claws deployed out of his knuckles. He then raked the claws across Leon's abdomen, the claws ripping through his white shirt, but revealing what was lying underneath: a pale silver cuirass, lightweight but impossibly durable.

Xaldin's jaw dropped.

"Mithril. Mithril armor is nice." Replied Leon.


	4. concussions and sea cucumbers

A few days later, Axel, Roxas, and Xion were sitting on the clock tower of Twilight Town. Roxas brought out three sea salt ice cream pops and handed one to Xion and one to Axel. Xion took hers but Axel declined.

 

"You split it. I'll pass." Said Axel.

 

"After what I was forced to do, I fear I will never be able to eat again." Axel paused. Xaldin had been up and about just two days after his surgery as if nothing had happened, but Axel was still haunted by the image of blood and guts and scurrying around getting tools and getting vomited on.

 

"What's wrong?" Said Xion.

 

Axel didn't want to spill the guts, no pun intended, while Xion and Roxas were eating.

 

"It's simply not fair how bleeding wounds heal, but the wounds that are too deep to see mend much to slow." Axel said as he stared at the sun. "After what I experienced last week, I fear I should never be able to eat again."

 

Zexion was sitting on the floor in the middle of the hall, reading one of his books. "Out of my way, bub." Growled Xaldin as he shoved Zexion out of the way. He then stormed over to the bathroom at the end of the hall and barged in. "I'm in here!" Squawked Larxene. 'So am I, half pint!" Growled Xaldin as he threw her out of the bathroom door and slammed her against the wall, her head cracking the wall and then when she flopped on the floor her head cracked the floor. The ground shook and Zexion looked over. Her panties were around her ankles. Larxene sat up and wobbled drunkly. Zexion could almost hear her brain concussing inside her head. Her ears were bleeding and her eyes were tearing and spinning in opposite directions. She stood up awkwardly, not even bothering to pull up her pants, and walked like an inverted pendulum. She walked up to Zexion and stopped. She tilted.  "I am a sea cucumber!" She slurred as she wobbled away. Zexion's eyes welled with tears. "I DEFINITELY knew I shouldn't have used the weapon X ointment and just used the vibranium sutures!

 

Larxene staggered through the hall. "I have such a horrible headache! Someone is squishing my brain in a wastebox! Tears streamed down her face.

 

A few minutes later, Xaldin walked by, eating a piece of raw liver. "I'm going back to sleep now." He grumbled.

 

Larxene came up to him and clung to his shoulders. "I don't know who you are but my head feels like i've been hit in the head with a giant hammer!" She wailed.

 

Xaldin looked at her squarely. "Larxene, you've had a concussion." He growled.

 

"A what?" Her eyes were blank.

 

"The lights are on but nobody's home, you have a massive bruise on your forehead, you're complaining of a massive headache, and your knickers are around your ankles."

 

"How do you know?" Slurred Larxene.

 

"There is an easy diagnosis. When you've had a concussion, the palm of your hand grows bigger than your face." Grumbled Xaldin.

 

Larxene quickly put her outstretched palm to her nose.

 

Three sharp bone claws then deployed from Xaldin's knuckles and he raked them down the back of Larxene's hand.

 

The claws ripped through her glove  and through her skin and muscle and sinews and tissues, blood seeping down the sides of her arm and sleeve.

 

Larxene fell to her knees and began weeping hysterically. "Ow!!! Make it stop!" She wailed.

 

"Serves you right after what you did to me, bub." Said Xaldin as he then walked down the hallway and retracted his new claws.

 

"I'm getting good at this." Muttered Xaldin to himself.

 

Larxene sat there in the hallway, crying in agony. She hadn't even noticed that the incision on his abdomen had gone from a deep red gash to a jagged pink scar in only a day.

 

"Go home, Larxene. You're drunk." Said Xemnas. He scooped up the crying, bleeding, lampshade-headed Larxene and took her to her room and tossed her onto her bed. "Go to sleep, bitch" he snapped as he slammed the door. Larxene was almost asleep when she heard squealing and groaning and the squeaking of mattress springs from the next room.

 

"Ooh! Roxas!ROXAAAAAS!" called Xion. "I could do this all night!"

 

"Me too! Called Roxas. The mattress springs squeaked even louder.

 

"Kids these days" grumbled Larxene. She shoved a pillow over her head but Roxas and Xion just got louder.

 

"I could do this forever! Squealed Xion. "So could I" purred Roxas.

 

"I hope Roxas doesn't come crying to me when Xion starts waking up in the middle of the night washing down her sea salt ice cream with pickle juice. Kids should not be having kids." Larxene gibbered to herself.

 

"I could do this forever, Roxas!" Squealed Xion. "You're all that I want." Panted Roxas.

 

"Roxas! Xion! Do you mind making babies somewhere else?! I'm trying to sleep!" Shouted Larxene.

 

"You shouldn't sleep when you have a concussion, it could kill you!" Called Roxas. Xion squealed.

 

"If you wanna make babies, do it in the laundry room. Or the basement.  Or the broom closet like normal people!" Shouted Larxene.

 

"Making babies? What babies?" Called Roxas. Xion squealed.

 

"How are babies made, anyway?" Said Xion. "Ouch! Don't hit me so hard!"

 

Xion whacked Roxas even harder with the pillow.

 

"Any harder than that and the pillows will burst and feathers will fly everywhere!" Said Roxas as the both whacked each other with their pillows. The pillows burst and a cloud of feathers exploded forward. They were squealing and giggling and rolling in the feathers and were throwing fistfuls of feathers at each other.

 

Quite out of breath, Roxas and Xion collapsed side by side, giggling.

 

"Let's get Axel." Said Roxas.

 

"Think he would want to? That he would keep us going until morning?" Said Xion.

 

"But first we are going to have to get more pillows. Let's get one from under Larxene's head" Roxas doffed his coat and put his head near the humidifier until he was flushed and sweaty.

 

"What's that for?" Said Xion.

 

"If we're going to keep this masquerade up, we may as well look the part." Roxas then left the room.


	5. Babies, Mirrors, Monkeys, and Mayhem part 1

A few days later, Larxene sat in the waiting area, knitting a pair of pink booties. I am not babysitting any crying, drooling, pooping bundle of lard! Thought Larxene. And if it's a boy, and he inherited Roxas's spiky hair, it would be murder to push those spikes out! Glad it's her and not me.

 

Just then Xion came over and peered at Larxene's knitting.

 

 "Why are you knitting booties?" Said Xion.

 

"Those aren't booties, that's a body bag!"

 Larxend stabbed Xion in the lower abdomen but the zipper broke the needle.

 

"Hey! What was that all about?" Exclaimed Xion, not so much from pain than surprise.

 

"I don't like babies. I don't like the idea of you and Roxas having babies." Said Larxene.

"But we are not having babies." Said  Xion.

"Don't play dumb with me. I heard you going 'Ooh! Roxas! ROXAAAAAS!' As if you were ascending to a higher plain of existence."

Xion looked confused. "We were just having a pillow fight."

"Fuck" muttered Larxene.

 

Later that day, Roxas and Xion were on their mission at Mystic Point. They sat overlooking the jungle, feet dangling from the ornate cornice of Mystic Manor. Xion recounted what Larxene had done that morning.

 

"She tried to stab me right here. With her knitting needle." Xion pointed to her lower abdomen. One of the zipper teeth even had a dent in them.

 

"Remember that birds and the bees thing Axel was telling us about?" Said Roxas. "Larxene overheard us when we were having our pillow fight and thought we were in the act of making a baby, and right behind your lower stomach is the organ where babies are formed, Larxene thought you were having a baby so she tried to kill it while it was still inside you."

 

"But I'm not having a baby and she didn't stab the baby with her knitting needle." Said Xion.

"She would have been so happy to see you lying on the floor bleeding. You denied her the pleasure of her seeing you in pain. It's fun to deny her the pleasure of seeing someone in pain."

"Y'know what? I agree." Said Xion, even if she wasn't quite sure she understood.

"If we were having a baby, would you want Axel to be the godfather?" Said Xion.

 

...just then, Albert monkeyed on over to them. He handed them each a partially peeled mango. 

 

"It's like ice cream but not as cold or as salty." Said Xion. "Maybe we should bring Axel here. It would be like Twilight town only healthier."

 

"Except Axel said he'd never be able to eat again and he still hasn't told us why. I think it may have something to do with Larxene." 

 

"Hoooo?" Ooked Albert, making a shrugging gesture.

 

Xion and Roxas recounted what had happened.

 

"Ecccccch" Albert's monkey face was screwed up in disgust.

 

"If Larxene were here right now, what would you do?" Said Roxas.

 

Albert took his mango seed, pounded it open against the cornice, and threw the pieces of broken mango seed out into the jungle below.

 

"Cheeky monkey" said Roxas as Albert hung from the cornice.

 

"Maybe we should bring Albert back to the castle with us. Larxene deserves a little mayhem." Xion lifted up Albert.

 

"Oh Albert! Where are you?" Called Lord Mystic. "Come out come out wherever you aren't!"

 

"Ah! There you are" Lord Mystic opened up the window below them. Albert climbed down to his master.

 

"I hope you two haven't been filling his head with ideas, have you?" Said Lord Mystic.

 

"No, but Albert agrees that we have a team member who is nasty" said Roxas. He recounted all of Larxene's recent vile antics.

 

Lord Mystic raised his fist in consternation. "Good heavens! Larxene sounds like she's the most garummy bit of garum there ever was! It seems to me this team member of yours may need a good long stare into my newest acquisition-the Mirror of Tragic Reflections! Or other translations say the Mirror of Miraculous Reflections, but it shows the viewer who they truly are! Cowards find they're truly brave and the brace find they're truly cowards! Come along, children."

 

Albert swung down from the cornice by his tail and Roxas and Xion hopped down and followed Lord Mystic through the rooms of antiquities, past samurai armor and Venus fly traps and suits of armor and mummies in sarcophagi and a statue of a giant jade Monkey King to the Acquisitions and Cataloging Room.

 

In the center there was a giant square draped in a red and gold damask curtain.

"You'll you imagine the look on Larxene's face when she sees her true self." Said Roxas. Xion and Albert nodded in agreement.

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, behold the Mirror of Miraculous Reflections!" Lord Mystic removed the curtain with dramatic flourish. But when the damask curtain fell to the ground, nothing but an empty frame was there. "IT'S GONE!" Exclaimed Lord Mystic.


	6. Babies, Mirrors, Monkeys, and Mayhem part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Albert puts Larxene and Xigbar into a sticky situation

Roxas and Xion returned to the castle, Albert hiding under Xion's coat.

 

"We can't let anybody know we have Albert with us." Hissed Roxas. Albert squirmed back down into Xion's coat.

 

They sat down in the meeting area. Saïx entered. "Aaw. How sweet. I knew you two were making babies."

 

Said Saix sarcastically. Albert began to squirm around under Xion's coat.

 

Demyx entered.

 

"How cute. Have you thought of a name yet for your damp, smelly bundle of joy?" Demyx sprawled across a bench.

 

Albert squirmed some more. "Albert! Stay put! We can't let anyone see you! You're an uninvited guest!" But Albert just wriggled his way out of the top of Xion's coat. He jumped onto her knee and onto the ground, climbed up the curtains, jumped onto one of the blades of the ceiling fan, and began  to swing around on the ceiling fan, ee-ee-oo-oo-'ing with glee.

 

"The baby looks just like you" said Xigbar as he entered.

 

"What baby?" Said Xion.

 

"I thought you said you weren't pregnant." Taunted Larxene.

 

Just then, Albert jumped down from the ceiling fan and clung to Larxene's coat with glee.

 

Larxene tried to remove the cheeky monkey, but Albert just clung tighter.

 

Larxene was wriggling and roiling around as Albert became amused by her hood and the necklace and drawstring pulls on the front of her coat. He pulled on them with amusement.

"YOU'RE STRANGLING ME! WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE GET THIS MONKEY OFF MY BACK!??"

 

Larxene ran into the next room and Xigbar ran after her.

 

Xigbar clung to Albert and attempted to pull him off but Albert just clung tighter.

"This scimmian has the strength of a hundred men!" Lamented Xigbar as he began swing Larxene and Albert around, crashing into carts and knocking over all manner of beakers and test tubes.

 

Finally a cart toppled over Xigbar and Larxene, right in a perfect 69 position. Albert climbed to the top of the cart and inspected a bottle of glue, opened it up, sniffed it, gagged, and poured it over Larxene.

 

Xigbar could not hold up his head any longer. His head collapsed right on top of the spot on Larxene where Albert had poured the glue.

 

"Larxene! My face is stuck to your groin!" Exclaimed Xigbar.

 

Just then, Lexaeus entered, to find Xigbar and Larxene on top of each other in a 69 position, under a cart, amidst piles of upset carts and broken glass, With Albert sitting on top of the cart they were under, holding them down, the monkey's face an expression of pure, triumphant, shit-eating glee.

 

"I can explain everything." Larxene blushed. She didn't even know she could blush.

 

The other Organisation members poked their heads in the door. Some were amused, some were befuddled.

 

"Larxene!" Shouted Xigbar. "Please don't pee!"

 

Albert then beckoned to Roxas and Xion. He then reached with his tail for a lead weight on a shelf nearby, plunked it on top of the overturned cart, jumped down, and ushered Roxas and Xion away.

 

"It's too heavy!" Grunted Demyx. He attempted to lift the cart out with no avail.

 

"That glue is just too sticky." Demyx tried to get them out with a prybar. "Larxene, Xigbar, it looks like you've gotten yourself into a sticky situation."

 

Everybody groaned.

 

"WHY couldn't those two have just had a baby like normal people?" Whined Larxene.

 

"You got that right. Aside from being tiny and noisy and wet, babies don't do a whole lot." Said Xigbar.

"I always thought that those be careful what you wish for stories were just soft and sappy nonsense, and now I'm in one! Groaned Larxene.

"Now WE'RE in one." Xigbar groaned in return.

 

"I thought Xion and Roxas were making one of those screaming, slobbering, leaking bundles of blubber." Said Larxene. "Turns out that when I tried to give Xion a free abortion I was gravely mistaken. Now they've brought home an inhumanly strong, hopelessly cunning monkey! The joke's on me!"

 

Albert beckoned to Roxas and Xion.

 

They followed him to the meeting area and there was a portal of darknes.


	7. Temple of the Mirror

They went through the portal and into a strange world which they weren't sure if it was a tomb, a temple, or some combination thereof. Strange glyphs were carved into the stones and the water in the valley below was a sickly greenish glow.

 

"Ooh" Albert pointed to the top of the stone column ledge.

 

Pete was talking with a stranger, and behind them was the mirror, draped in black gossamer.

 

"The nerve of Lord Mystic, saying I was a blot of mud and grease upon the Society of Explorers and Adventurers. The nerve of casting me out like the pariah I'm not!"

 

"Professor Reed, you're always welcome to join the Darkness." Said Pete.

 

"And then that peevish oaf who calls himself an antiquarian Lord Mystic acquired the mirror! I shall have it for my own. And then, all the world will see who I REALLY am!" snorted Professor Reed.

 

"Uh-oh" said Albert.

 

The platform was all the way at the top of a series of rising and falling stairs, jagged rolling tunnels, balance boards, and a steep gap near the top.

 

"We'd better make a move of it." Albert, Roxas and Xion began their chase up and down the rising and falling platforms, ftw swinging planks of wood on ropes, and through the moving tunnel.

 

"I always was told that funhouses at amusement parks supposed to be fun." Said Roxas. They finally came up to the top of the platform nearest to the top with Professor Reed and Pete, only the gap was much too far for either of them, even Albert.

 

"In just a moment, all the world will truly see who I really and truly am!" Chortled Professor Reed.

 

"But whut of you don't like whut you see? What if you see moles and pimples?" Said Pete.

 

"Not that kind, you imbicile! I will make this mirror a black mirror! A mirror of darkness! All who gaze upon it shall only see the darkness within themzelves!"

 

"You kids come along and follow me" said a man who just appeared out of the tunnels, wearing khaki shorts, a blue t-shirt, and a Yankees cap, and was holding a long python.

 

"Who are you? Said Roxas.

 

"Jock Lindsay. At your service." He said. Albert recoiled at the snake. "And this is my pet snake Reggie."

 

Jock Lindsey spun Reggie like a grappling hook and Reggie sunk his fangs into the rock. They climbed up Reggie and onto the platform with Pete and Professor Reed.

 

Professor Reed turned. "I would recognize that smug look and Yankees cap anywhere. Leave your fishing line at home? If isn't Jock Lindsay and his young wards."

 

"We're here for the mirror." Said Roxas.

 

"Isn't everyone." Said professor Reed. "And I suppose that pompous buffoon Lord Mystic put you up to this."

 

Just then, Albert climbed over to Pete, twisted off his shoe, and began to point out lines and ridges. "Oooh" he cooed.

 

"What is the monkey doing?" Said Pete. 

 

"He's practicing solusmancy. It's like palm reading only with the soles of shoes." Said Jock Lindsay. "I think this line he's pointing to here means that you're going to go on a long journey and never come back"

 

Right on cue, Albert threw Pete's shoe far off into the distance and and Pete and Professor Reed ran off in its general direction.

 

"We've got the mirror!" Called Roxas as he and Xion schlepped the mirror off its pedestal.

 

Just then, the ground began to shake.

 

"Uh-oh" said Albert as he began to scurry off. Roxas, Xion, Albert, Jock Lindsay, and Reggie ran off as the templetomb began to fall down all around them and behind them, a giant boulder almost ran over them, and the bridge they ran over collapsed behind them and fell into the acid below.

 

They were all able to make it to Jock Lindsay's flying machine with not a second to spare.


	8. Glass showing-Pane, Glass showing-Pain

"Why did those two brats bring home that confounded monkey?" Screeched Larxene. "We've been here forever! I'm starting to think we're stuck for good."

 

"Meh. Think of it as one of those trust building games." Said Xigbar. "Or more accurately a mistrust building game but who's to say."

 

Just then, Xion, Roxas, and Albert bolted in with the mirror. They propped it up over Larxene's head and removed the veil.

 

Larxene's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. Her face turned red. Steam came out of her ears. "WHAT A HORRIBLE CREATURE I AM!" she shreaked. The glue Albert had poured earlier shattered at the sound of her screeching and Xigbar raised up his head.

 

Larxene writhed in rage and in doing so twisted the overturned cart of of them. "Ouch" said Xigbar indifferently.

 

"I'm such a horrible person I love it! I don't even know if that's possible!" Larxene gibbered while running around, her eyes glittering with madness. "I INFLICT SO MUCH PAIN ON EVERYONE I COME ACROSS! NO WONDER ALL THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME! NOT THAT I CARE BUT I NOW UNDERSTAND!"

 

Albert beckoned to Xion and Roxas to leave with the mirror immediately.


	9. Hurry back! Hurry Back!

Xion, Roxas, and Albert returned to Mystic Manor's cataloguing room and replaced the mirror.

 

"Y'know, i could get used to it around here." Said Xion.

 

"What, you mean the castle that never was doesn't have a river, a freight depot, tons of odd artifacts, a jungle, and a tropical Shangri-La?" Said Roxas.

 

"Nah, Saïx would not appreciate it." Said Xion.

 

"Well, I have news for you, children. You are always welcome here in my humble abode of Mystic Manor." Said Lord Mystic as he entered.

 

"And I see you have returned with the mirror." Said Lord Mystic, noticing the mirror was once again shrouded in the red and gold damask curtain.

 

Roxas, Xion, and Albert told and demonstrated what had happened with Pete and how they encountered Jock Lindsey and Reggie and how Albert made a distraction and they made off with the mirror.

 

"Ah yes, Jock Lindsey is a capital chap! You were in luck that he happened to be in the same place as you at the right time. Why, if I had known I would have told you to send him my regards! Not to mention your cunning and bravery and cooperation to reappropriate the mirror before it fell into the wrong hands! Children after my own heart! Your heroism and exploits have initiated you two as members of the Society of Explorers and Adventures!" Lord Mystic gushed.

 

"What do we do now?" Said Xion.

 

"Put on a funny hat or something?" Said Roxas.

 

"Aye! As a matter of fact you do!" Lord Mystic then presented them each with a fez that was embroidered with the sigil of the Society of Explorers and Adventurers.

 

"I don't know if we'd be allowed to wear these back home." Said Roxas. "Is there somewhere we can leave them for safekeeping?"

 

"Undoubtedly! Come along and follow me." Lord Mystic lead them into a room that was part library and part cabinet of curiosities, and on one shelf had all the fezez and name plaques of all the members of the society.

 

Lord Mystic placed theirs right between that of Harrison Hightower and Mary Oceaneer.

 

"I really hope we come again, Lord Mystic."said Xion.

 

"My Mystic Manor is your manor, children." Said Lord Mystic.

 

Right as Roxas and Xion turned to leave, Albert waved at them and Lord Mystic called "Please hurry back! We would like your company."

**Author's Note:**

> Artistic liberties have been taken in accounts of anatomy as well as the nature of kerosene  
> Mystic Manor is Hong Kong Disneyland's answer to the Haunted Mansion  
> Garum was a wildly popular condiment in ancient Rome, made from fermented fish innards. "The jammiest bit of jam" was Victorian-era slang for an agreeable young woman. So when Lord Mystic calls Larxene the garummiest bit of garum he's basically calling her a blob of fermented fish guts!


End file.
